WHATSTHERUMPUS.ORG

Oh shit, NaBloPoMo

2008-11-02T04:14:00Z

Um, first post?

The story of me an my love

2008-10-21T23:19:00Z

well lets see i really dont know where to start maybe wit the day i first got together with my one an only true love. it was april 15th 2005 we had just recently started talking again an just decided to give our relationship one more shot but at the time i had just been through a lot an wasnt the girl i was when we first met, I was someone i hated i had no emotions an would not talk to anyone, would not open up an would not let a man come within 10 feet of me. but that was until chris he showed me what it was to love again. he took the broken peices of my heart an slowly mended them back together. from that day on we spent as much time together as possible, but as you all know there were many people who did not believe we should be together an to those people look at us now we are still goin strong. But there was one person who was out to break us up an you all know who i am talkin about but i will not say names, everyday i was getting phone calls sayin he is cheatin or doin drugs, but like a dumb ass i fell into the traps that this person set an i almost left him many times. I know we do fight a lot but no matter what i love him with all my heart. back to the story tho, it was now about august an we were happier than ever when chris asked me to have his baby i was hesitant at first but one night when we together an talkin i told him yes an he looked at me like what do you mean an i replied i want to have your child, but me i didnt think it would happen but him he was very sure of himself so then we tried an about 2 weeks later i heard rumors of him cheating on me so i left him an we had been broken up for two weeks an he had been callin me off the hook askin if i was pregnant but i refused to take a test but then after i didnt have my monthly friend for a while i went an took one it read yes then i said no cant be i will take another one tmrw that one read yes then i still denied it an got one that read pregnant or not pregnant the moment pregnant popped up i could not stop myself from cryin i didnt know what to do we were no longer together an after everything i had heard i didnt know what to believe. so i walked downtown an called chris an told him the news the first thing he said was let me call you back (weird i know) then he calls back an says we need to see eachother so my friend gave me a ride to where he was an i showed him the test an he hugged me an told me that he still loves me an wants so badly to be with me an he kissed me. i didnt know what to do so i told him i would see him later that night an so for a few nights we were meeting at the park by where i live an then after about the 3rd night we were sittin on the bench an he got down on one knee an held my hand looked deep into my eyes an said"will you be my girl again i love you with all my heart baby" i could not help but cry. the time we had been apart was the hardest ever i love him so much an can not see my life without him. during my pregnancy i was very hormonal an always yellin but no matter what he stuck by me an was always there he has always done everything he can for me an i love him so much for that. when i was hungry he was right there with food if i needed him wherever he was he would find a way to me. an he would stick by me no matter what horrible things i would say or do an i know i have done some horrible things to him but no matter what he is always there, an he has done his share of things to me an he knows i can not leave him. an now that our daughter is here he has proven to me that our love is true. hes not like those other guys that run when a baby is on the way he was there during the delivery an watched her come out, an has been with her everday after that. when i look at them together it brings tears to my eyes to know that i found my one an only true love, i have found the man i have always wanted to share the rest of my life with, an to everyone who hasnt met theirs trust me you will it just takes time i know an even though times are rough things always manage to get better. O ya an to all you hatin ass bitches tryin to ruin what me an my hubby got goin on need to back off, i dont care what yall do or say our love is neverendin an nothin can change that so back off hes takin.

When I feel nostalgia for the corporate world, I think of this

2008-10-17T14:05:00Z

Caller: Yeah, I wanna come take the test to get into school. How I get there?

Me: Well, sir, where are you coming from?

Caller: Huh?

Me: Where are you located?

Caller: What?

Me: You are going to be coming here FROM somewhere. Where will you be coming FROM?

Caller: Oh. Um, [town west of Chicago].

Me: OK, that's very easy, we are right off the expressway.

Caller: Huh?

Me: We are right off the expressway. You take [expressway] west...

Caller: Huh? Suspretsway?

Me: EXPRESSWAY. You drive your car on it to get places. So you take the expressway west and get off the Wisconsin freeway junction...

Caller: Huh? Junction?

Me: Yes, the EXPRESSWAY meets up with another EXPRESSWAY at a JUNCTION and then you get on the Wisconsin....

Caller: Huh? West Carl Street?

Me: WISCONSIN. Like the state that is DIRECTLY NORTH OF US.

Caller: .......

Me: Sir?

Caller: Huh?

Me: I'm sorry sir, you are too dumb to take the test. ~click~

There's a lot going on up in here.

2008-10-14T01:15:14Z

Feeling oddly nostalgic; and I don't mean it's odd to feel nostalgia, I mean I'm feeling nostalgia for odd things. Like:

That Crazy Mean Cat I Used to Have

His name was Owen, and he just turned up on our back porch one day. He was pretty friendly to the people, but he could not stop picking on my poor cat Mouse. It got to the point where every day it went like this:

~Mouse sidles out of my room and glances about warily~

~Owen appears from out of nowhere and ATTACKS!~

FITZFITZROWR

~Mouse disappears for another week~

Clearly, something had to change. My roommates and I sat around and talked about it, and came up with a plan that was so genius, only a bunch of stoners could have come up with it. We decided that Owen would only respect Mouse if she defended herself, and there was no way she would ever do that. Solution? We started throwing Mouse at him whenever he passed by.

Mouse would hurtle through the air, claws flailing, and inadvertently sneak-attack Owen. Of course she would take off and hide afterwards, all O SHI HE'S A-GONNA KILL ME NOW, but after just a few tosses, he got the hint, and left her alone.

The next thing I am feeling a weird nostalgia for is:

Lies My Ex-Boyfriend Told Me

I'm going to have to number these suckers.

1. Told me he had been drunk for a year, staying up every night (in his parent's suburban McMansion, oh ) writing poetry, and drinking a bottle of Irish whiskey each time. Now, where he got the money for the whiskey, or the whiskey itself for that matter at the age of 16, I don't know. But this one actually seemed kind of plausible when compared to the others.

2. Like the one where he told me that he had been in a band that headlined the Roxy and opened for Guns N Roses etc. At the age of 13. They were called "Kids in the Dark" and they had a gold record, uh, among his stuff somewhere, he'll find it soon I bet, but don't say anything to mom cause she doesn't know he was in a band! At the age of 13! That headlined the Roxy and sold 100,000 copies! He had complete stories about each of the band members, including the little detail that the bassist, Mike (who lived in Marin and washed his dreadlocks in a bucket) sometimes "called" him on the phone. But we couldn't visit him, because "he" didn't "like" to "meet" "people."

3. At the same time as he was living this rockstar life, he was hugely addicted to heroin. He got it all for free, cause that's how it is when you roll the rockstar life. But it all caught up to him when he OD'd and was dead for three days. Amazingly, he recovered.

He referred back to this a lot, as a source of authority; "I know and you don't, because I've BEEN DEAD." *

4. Claimed that he could not masturbate (and therefore NEEDED blowjobs, more than the average guy, I mean) because he had been picked up and molested by a bunch of guys in a white van when he was small. The details changed a bit over the years, and it was pretty chilling when I realized that this was a lie, too - I had always assumed it was one of the few nuggets of truth.

Why did I buy all of these obvious lies? Well, partly because I was very very naive. And I figured that the stories were so outrageoous, they HAD to be true. But mostly, I think I had a tendency to overlook that which was clearly not kosher, all lalalalala I can't hear yooooouuuu when it didn't fit into my perceptions of how things should be.

That'll do for now. I need to shower and ruminate on the poor choices of my youth.

*Footnote: Buster has actually been documentably dead. He has yet to utter this phrase about anything, much less when we are trying to decide what movie to see or whatever.

In the grand scheme of things, this is trivial

2008-10-14T01:12:00Z

Me: I’m looking for my special spoon. Have you seen it?

Buster: You have a special spoon?

Me: Yes. It’s got a long handle and a small spoony thing on the end.

B: It’s a spoon with a small...spoon? What are you talking about?

Me: No, it’s a long-handled spoon with a small...spoony thing! The part of the spoon that SPOONS! Did you maybe take it to work and forget it there?

B: Um. I do not know. I really don’t look at the spoons all that closely. Why is this one so important?

Me: I need it to eat yogurt with.

B: You can’t use another spoon?

Me: I guess, but it’s more satisfying to eat it with this spoon. Are you sure you haven’t seen it?

B: ~gazes at me, apparently reevaluating our relationship~

B: Uh, no. But I will be sure and tell you if it turns up.

Me: Pssh, fine. Bet you left it at work and did not even realize the value of that which you had lost.

Everything Is Better Naked

2008-10-14T01:11:14Z

So we saw this performance art thing last night, with an entirely naked cast, who danced and flopped around to music, while "clothed" by ever-changing projections. After the show, there was a Q & A, and the Knowing Laugher behind us asked a lot of stupid questions that he clearly thought were clever. I had a bunch of questions I wanted to ask, too, but didn't as I figured they would be inappropriate, like:

1. Did you all have Brazilians before you joined the show, or is it mandatory for the cast?

2. How many of you have had sex with each other, and in what combinations?

3. Mike, I noticed your schlong was semi-turgid through much of the performance. Is it always like that, or are you actually a little turned on?

4. If y'all are so free-spirited and open-minded, how come everything was carefully choreographed so as to avoid labia sightings?

This should explain a thing or two about me

2008-10-14T01:09:00Z

When I was a kid, we had hamsters. A hamster is a great pet for a kid - practically disposable, just one step up from Tamagotchis. They're cute, but they don't do much, and just as soon as you've gotten used to them, boom! They die. And they join the other ten or so hammies eternally dirtnapping in the backyard. And I was basically OK with that - it was deeply saddening when Hammie Heathcliff kicked it, but after that, I was toughened up and better able to deal with the sad reality of mortality. In fact, I credit poor, brave Hammie's passing as helping me to deal well with the death of my great-aunt, the first human death I was cognizant of.

Well, to be perfectly frank, my equanimity when getting that news might have had something to do with the fact that my sole perception of my great-aunt was of a woman who passed the time swearing at people and picking her toes. But anyway!

The memorable deceased included a a couple of hammies, one of whom escaped and drowned in the toilet, and the other refused pellets and water and soon passed as well. This was a great tragedy in my young life, so terrible and romantic, it was not soon to be gotten over. But of course, I was eight, so when Mom suggested that we go back to the mall and pick out some new ones, I was game. Especially when she threw in the added incentive of Burger King.

Naturally, after the great love my previous hamster compadres had shown each other, I was hoping to replicate the experience (sans death). Sadly, this second set wasn't quite so copacetic. They fought constantly; when they weren't sleeping, their cage was a-rockin with spat after spat. But even that I was willing to excuse (surely sometimes brothers fight too) (or sisters, who the hell knows with those things) until one day my brother bullied me into cleaning the cage EVEN THOUGH IT WAS HIS TURN, and I went upstairs, grumbling, only to find one of the hamsters lying still and quiet and the other running about frantically. Curious, I lifted the lid, and found

A HEADLESS HAMSTER

I flung the lid down and ran screaming, naturally. And my brother was called into action despite all his best efforts, to fish out the body and give it the proper ceremonial burial. The remaining hamster apparently liked the taste of meat a whole lot, because we couldn't feed the thing without it jumping up and trying to chew off a finger or two. So, sadly, it ended up starving to death.

And then we tossed it in the garbage and called it a day on the whole hamster thing.

You Must Love Me.

2008-10-14T00:59:00Z

We all emit a "please love me" distress signal. Mine is baking things. I used to clean people's houses instead, but honestly, baking things is much more fun, plus it allows me to be out there enjoying the fruits of my labor with everyone else instead of donning rubber gloves and cussing.

The problem is, I think I am somewhere, on some level, convinced that I'm not worthy of love, and sabotage myself accordingly. How else to explain cakes that taste wonderful but have to be cemented back together with frosting? The brownies that are just a hair overbaked? The transcendentally lovely cookies that need to be chipped apart with an ice pick due to excessive spreading? You get the idea. I try, but only with half my ass, when really the whole one needs to be applied.

Welcome

2008-08-28T12:35:32Z

Welcome to my blog. Please check back soon for new entries.